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Well, having done YEARS of research
(;-D) on hangover cures, here are my scientific findings:
- There is one preventive measure that is
absolutely foolproof for every person in the world:
Don't ever drink. You'll be guaranteed to avoid hangovers for the rest
of your life.
- Since 99.9% of the people who are concerned
with hangovers will never follow method #1, then the next best
preventive measure is this:
Never drink enough to get really drunk. That way, hangovers will be
rare, if not nonexistent.
- Methods #1 & #2 apply to ALL people. From
this point on, we enter the mysterious realm of experimental
preventives:
The problem here is that all people are not alike in such things as
size, weight, metabolism, chemistry, etc. So, what works for me may
not work for you. But I offer these as good ideas to try when you've
done what 89% of us do - namely, said to hell with methods #1 & #2.
You've just opened your eyes to find yourself crumbled into a
collapsed mess, hopefully in a bed, hopefully in somewhat familiar
surroundings, but, worst of all, awake. Your mind gradually manages to
reconstruct some sort of memory of some portion of the previous night's
activities. You feel like the worst part of hell (this is the cue for
the proverbial "I'll-never-drink-again" declaration, one of the most
pitiful demonstrations of bull$#!+ in all of human behavior). You need
help. Quick.
A little understanding of what a hangover actually IS really comes in
handy here. It's a combination of a few physiological things:
- Dehydration - the alcohol has forced
evaporation of a certain vital portion of the body's water.
- Nervous shock - you're coming off the
effects of a mild overdose of a depressant drug, so your nerves are
displaying the great Newtonian natural law of action/reaction by
going into a relatively hypersensitive state.
- malnutrition - pumping all that alcohol and
liquid through your body has effectively flushed away a significant
supply of your storage of vitamins and nutrients, chemicals which
would stimulate natural defense systems, but you're running
seriously low on them now.
What you need to do is take some restorative steps to begin a recovery
process. This means doing the same things that you should've done in
method #3 (it's really too late now, but it can't hurt). It means rest
and as little nervous stimulation as possible. It also means trying to
eat something that will help to replace the nutrients you've lost. That
really should be in the forms of fruits/vegetables, NOT fatty, greasy
junk, not dairy foods, something that isn't too tough on the already
beat-up digestive system. Bananas are great for key vitamins. But I'll
tell you what I've found to be a real miracle medicine for me -
tomatoes!
Strange but true. This came to me by pure accident. I was a suffering
bastard one day following a night of revelry, and I knew I needed some
food, but I found myself in a situation where I didn't really have any
choice about the lunch that I'd been served. It was a basic Italian-American
dish that included a tomato sauce (something like lasagne or spaghetti).
In less than an hour after eating, I felt rejuvenated, almost back to
normal! I couldn't believe how quickly I had gone from hangover hell to
basically ok. I figured it was just a fluke. But the next time I was in
a similar situation, I deliberately tried it again, and it worked! This
sort of explains half of the reason that a Bloody Mary is the standard
morning-after drink. (The OTHER half, of course, is that more alcohol -
"hair-of-the-dog" - acts to relax your shattered nerves and numb the
pain in the head, but more alcohol is also a great step on the road to
alcoholism, not a habit I'd suggest.)
So, next time, try it. Maybe a little light pasta with a meatless,
greaseless, tomato sauce. Cold gazpacho or a mild salsa may work too,
but your stomach will be in no mood for onions and peppers. A glass of
V8 may be just the thing. Citrus juices tend to bother the stomach too;
but tomatoes are highly acidic, so I can't explain that part.
If you know you're going to be drinking a LOT of
something, there are certain definite DON'Ts:
- Don't mix a lot of different types of
alcoholic drinks (liquor, then wine, then beer). Loudon Wainwright
wrote a song about this:
Drinks before
dinner and wine with dinner and after-dinner drinks
Single-entendre
Help me, Rhonda
Locate my cufflinks
Come with me and you all will see that it all be alright
Rudolph the red-nosed wino will guide our sleigh tonight.
- Don't overdo it with colored liquors (red
wine, whiskeys, cordials, dark rum). A cheap red wine hangover is
absolutely THE WORST. Death without actually passing into the next
world.
- Don't overdo it with sweet blended
concoctions. This is the classic mistake of high-school idiots, dumb
college undergrads, and basic novice drinkers (who will probably never
drink again). All of these sick sugary trendy drinks with cream of
whatever, and doughnut-flavored schnapps, and layers of nifty floating
colored syrups and liquers. Oh, please. Gag. Gallons of Coca-Cola
mixed with hard liquor. Imitation raspberry-flavored margaritas and "daiquiris".
(Raise your hand if you've ever even SEEN a real daiquiri.) The
combination of all of that sugar in the stomach with the mandatory
alcoholic kick in the head - the end-result is almost always the same.
(I STILL remember the sight of the sidewalk outside of a cheezy teen
bar in Underground Atlanta back when they served 18-yr.-olds.) Most
kids still have to learn the hard way. Some people think it's a rite
of passage to "adulthood". Yeah, right.
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